Our family is moving to Billings, Montana.
This move isn't entirely unexpected, but the timeline and urgency certainly is. Last fall when we took a trip as a family to Montana I had a nagging feeling the whole time we were there. I remember telling Andy that the place felt good. It just felt good; I felt noticeably different there. There have been a couple of other times I have had this feeling in my life. I felt this way when I walked on the BYU Provo campus for the first time. I felt that way when we got the job offer to move to Alaska. I felt that way the first time I walked in the Family Health and Birth Center in Alaska. It took me a while to figure out where I held felt it before but once I did, I was sure. We needed to live here someday. When we got home, Andy and I fasted about the move and felt that now wasn't the time.
A slow growing feeling began again in about February. I started to feel an urgency about the need to move, and Andy and I started looking at getting our house in La Grande ready to sell so it wouldn't be so hard when the time came. We put out feelers with Andy's employer to see if remote work would be possible from Billings. He has been working from home since the start of the pandemic, so we were optimistic that the framework for this was already in place.
Three weeks ago, we felt like I should accompany Andy on a business trip to Billings to get a feel for the different areas of town we might look at eventually. As we started into the valley in our car, Andy turned to me and asked if I could feel it. He could feel the spirit as we approached the town. Later that evening, we went for a hike on the rims above the temple and the city. When I looked down into the valley and the temple, I was overcome with a warm feeling. It lasted for several minutes and consumed me from my head to my toes. It is hard to describe how intense the feeling was. The only way I know how to describe it is to imagine how the prophets felt when they looked down on the Salt Lake Valley. This was the place. He was telling me right then; This was the place for our family.
In the days that followed as we looked for realtors, lenders, tried to determine which area of Billings, Heavenly Father wanted us to live, we were guided again and again.
But, the stressful logistics of moving so far on such short notice also reared their heads. We started to feel the pressure and wonder if we were crazy. Thinking of everything we would leave behind and the security we have in La Grande is scary. It also began to seem like we wouldn't have an easy time finding a house to live in or even an apartment to rent. I started to fall apart and waiver with anxiety. I asked Andy if we could walk around the temple grounds to find some peace and pray. As we walked around the grounds, we both prayed again and felt that, yes, we should move to Billings, and we should move now.
Despite that feeling, I still didn't know how we were going to make that happen, so I prayed. I asked the Father to show me how. I was going to do what we were being asked, but I didn't know how. No more than 20 minutes later, a new friend in the area sent me a text with a post on Facebook she had come across about someone who needed a family to take over their lease by the next month. We were able to see their house that night and take an application to the rental company the next morning. I fly out tomorrow morning to sign the rental contract for that house. Heavenly Father led us to that house. When I got her text and read it, I had the same overwhelming feeling of peace and warmth. This was a tender mercy from the Lord. He had heard my prayer and he was answering it. He has provided us somewhere to live while we look for somewhere more permanent.
Coming home and getting ready to move hasn't been any easier. Sydney is heartbroken to leave her friends and the things that she loves. Its hard to manage the children's own stress about the change and upheaval while also trying to manage my own doubts and stresses about packing and getting the house ready to tell. Its hard to explain to family and friends why we need to leave. Its hard to see all the people we will be leaving behind. Today we had dinner with all of our family in La Grande for Father's Day, but Andy is in Billings so I was there alone with the kids. As I sat at the dinner table and looked around and everyone we love, then as I watched the family participate in a priesthood blessing and watched the cousins play outside together, I again started to falter. My heart was breaking. It doesn't make sense logically to leave behind our family and friends, I though. It doesn't make sense to leave my in laws, who I dearly love, just at the moment when Papa's Alzheimer's is truly affecting daily life. I thought we were coming back to La Grande from Alaska to be with them through it all and now I am being asked to leave. It doesn't make rational sense.
As I drove away tonight, I couldn't hold back the tears and fear any longer. I felt like I was going from safety and a feeling of home to being alone. I felt sad and scared. I felt like no one understands and like everyone thinks I am letting them down, abandoning them. It's hard to feel the peace we felt with all the fears. I started to pray for Heavenly Father to help me feel something again. Help me find peace.
As I packed for yet another quick trip to Billings in the morning to sign the rental contract, I had the thought to turn on some church music to help me calm down. I did so without really listening as I've done so many times before. As I packed, though, a set of lyrics caught my ear.
"Don't apologise, it's the hardest part.
Fighting through the doubt is how we grow.
He understands, and he loves you where you are.He won't leave you stranded on this road.
Every truth awaits us in the end
Until then.
We do the best we can.
And we hold to what we know."
